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Thursday, September 10th, 2009
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12:59 am - Where do I put the hate? It feels like a broken toy I can't play with anymore
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Something must need to change deeply inside of me. When I think about the phrase "we are who we attract" it is alarmingly depressing. If that is the case, I do not want to be the people I attract.
Tonight I became so angry at someone, I was tempted to take an Ativan. I don't do drugs, I don't abuse any substances, but when you are so angry, alarmed, and appalled that you reach for powerful pills to calm down, it's time to get the fuck out.
Just what are toxic friends? Those friends that are convenience friends. They only contact you when they're in despair, need to unleash, then they crawl back into the shadows. They have a particular use for you. But if you need them, they're no where to be found.
Or they could be the haters. I come across those constantly. The good shit that happens to you, they're not happy. In fact, they're nasty and jealous. If shit's going well for you, don't share it with them. They won't be the fuckers to give you a high five.
Or could they be the ones who make fun of you and are negative? Even when they know that the genetics of your evil father reside in you, and you work hard everyday to be positive and change your thoughts and attitude. But somehow, they seep into your nerves and corrupt you.
The unreliable friend. She decides to bail 30 minutes before your get together. Or she just won't show up. She's lazy, and you're not remotely a priority. Only if you have beer. She doubles to:
The substance abuse friend. The girl who isn't interested in hanging unless there's beer. Or comes to your house to smoke up. The same friend who leaves beer bottles all over your house. Or she leaves it in your small ass fridge, when you clearly don't drink beer.
The friend who picks fights all the time. Who's over analytical, bitchy, and doesn't just enjoy casual conversation? You just want to unwind and bullshit around and it becomes some kind of CNN analytical debate over a joke or two...
Hypochristian friend? The one who says she loves Jesus, but she's the most empty and souless whore you've ever met? Does not follow remotely anything from the bible, cherry picks what she feels is for her, and also acts like god has a plan for her even though all you've seen her do for 2-3 years is fuck up?
I am seeking therapy asap. I have to figure out what inside me is pulling these people to me. It hurts so much to give and give. To invest and invest and yet everyone shits on your expectations. I have to learn how to cope with people tearing up my nerves. I am so easily affected....I can't just let shit roll of my shoulders. I can't be like "oh well. she's fucking her life up not mine." because I am an artist. I am a human who absorbs others feelings. I have to STOP.
It's a miracle I ever attracted my fiancee. Through the sea of people who don't sincerely care much for me, he has been my life boat. And he actually said yesterday "I am amazed you found me, because of the quality of people you surround yourself with." He's my sanity. He is sometimes all I feel I have.
I can't feel like I did tonight anymore. This person has to get the fuck out of my life, now. I have nowhere to vent, but I had to let out my anger.
I don't like to hate. I think hate is over rated, and it's negative energy. But this is hate.
It's time for therapy, and maybe even meds. I refuse to settle and I'm cleaning shit out asap. My spirit is dusty and negative, and I am too awesome to be caught up in this. I have a lot to give, but it's going to the right fucking folks from now on.
current mood:  angry
current music: 2004 episode of lovelines
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poo.
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| Friday, December 5th, 2008
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4:44 pm - Fuck me and my incessant need to be a savior.
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I don't know why I surround myself with people who aren't to my caliber.
I don't ask for much, and friendship is such a rarity now. I don't even know what to expect from people now.. surely not much. It hurts so bad to wonder if you'll ever find what you're looking for. Meanwhile I stick my foot in my mouth and run back to people who treat me like shit and don't even wonder if I'm alive or not. Why do I give SO much? And why do I give a shit? Why can't I be a callous uncaring and deeply bitter shitface that doesn't care if people have food to eat, or bandaids, or a pot to piss in.
I just want to not care anymore.
current mood:  aggravated
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1 poopile - poo.
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blisslyke's journal